When is it time to retire "The Classics"?

I watched Beowulf recently and it got me thinking about a topic that I (and no doubt most teenagers in high school English classes across the country) often ponder: When is the school system going to update the required reading list?

Now, I'm in my mid-30s and haven't had to buy a book of CliffsNotes in quite a while, but I can't imagine the book selection has changed all that much since my younger, pimplier days. The one thing I remember about Beowulf the poem was that it was very old and very boring. In fact, to get anyone interested in the movie Robert Zemeckis had to make it in the cutting edge CGI format of performance capture, market it as, "this is not your high school Beowulf," fill it with swordfights and buckets of blood, and parade Angelina Jolie around in the birthday suit. This is what it takes to get the kids interested, and I imagine they care less about appreciating English lit than they do with appreciating Angie's backside.

The lament about ADD-addled American youth and the brain-rot of TV and video games is common, and to me, not entirely fair. How do you expect teenagers to get interested in reading books when all we do is shove their noses into completely unrelatable stories written in ancient dialects that they need notes from Cliff to even decipher?

Is a walking ball of hormones going to relate in any way to The Scarlet Letter? No, he just won't get what's so wrong about a woman with a crappy husband giving it up to someone better. Good for her for getting some. And since it's such a hard damn book to read, chances are his copy will collect dust, he'll rent the Demi Moore movie the night before the test, giggle at some boobie shots and get a C-.

I'm not saying that the classics don't have merit, and that some of them aren't fine books. I particularly enjoyed Animal Farm, Brave New World, The Great Gatsby, and A Tale of Two Cities. I'm just saying that there's room in the curriculum for something a little more modern. Just because a book isn't old doesn't mean it has no educational merit.

So, to any teachers who might be reading this, see if you can slip these titles past the board of education. They'll not only entertain the kids and keep 'em engaged, but teach 'em a life lesson or two in the process.

The Silence of the Lambs by Thomas Harris:
Sure, it's got gore and that showy cannibal, but at its core it's a fine story about an insecure woman finding her strength and identity in a very scary world.

The Stand by Stephen King:
A true classic about the age old struggle between good and evil. It's a big book with big themes about faith and religion, not to mention topical in dealing with modern day fears of biological terrorism.

The Accidental Tourist by Anne Tyler:
A story about a shy man crippled by the loss of his child who learns to leave his comfort zone and take a chance on love with a most unlikely woman.

Atonement by Ian McEwan:
You want to teach the kids that it's bad to gossip and lie? This story about how a little girl's lies rob her sister of any chance at a happy life would get the point across pretty vividly.

The Godfather by Mario Puzo:
We've all seen the movie, sure, but the book was a classic before Francis Ford Coppola came along. It's the story about both the power of family and how blind allegiance to it can be just as damaging as it is rewarding.

If we only loosened up a bit, I'd bet we could get plenty of kids to put down the PlayStation and pick up some more books. Has Harry Potter taught us nothing?